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From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs and a twelve inch dick? A: Partially handicapped. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little girl went to the Judge and asked to be taken away from her parents ... Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Mommy?" Little Girl: "No, my Mommy beats me." Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Daddy?" Little Girl: "No, my Daddy beats me too." Judge: "Well little girl, who do you want to live with?" Little Girl: "I want to live with the Cubs because they never beat anyone!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did Helen Keller go crazy? A: She tried to read a sheet of sandpaper. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy is lost at sea for days, and finally finds land, a native island. The guy makes friends with the native chief, and in appreciation the chief gives the guy his daughter for the night. So that night as they were going at it, the girl starts saying "Agooma, agooma!" The man thought this meant, "This is great! I love this!" So the next morning, the chief invited the man to a game of golf. Just at the end, the man wanted to show his appreciation for the game of golf, and also wanted to show off his new knowledge, so he said "Agooma, agooma!" The chief replied "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What`s moist and pink and split right down the middle? A: A grapefruit. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- POLITICAL SPEECH OF A LADY DELEGATE TO A NATIONAL POLITICAL CONVENTION Dear Lady Delegates: We must have what the men have. It may not be very long, But we mean to have it. If we can't have it without friction, then we will have it with friction. If we can't get it through organization, then we will get it through combination or both, if necessary. We refuse to be poked in the gallery any longer, and insist on being layed on the floor in the house. We are willing to look up to the men, but we don't always want to hold up our ends and show our possibilities when- ever anything arises that will meet our expectations. Nothing that comes will be too hard for us. We women have always been interested in good movements and will take any load given us. We are still willing to work under men that have been over us in the past, even to the point of exhaustion if necessary. But, we are beginning to become disgusted with failings and short comings. Never when anything arose that required our presence and attention have we failed to come again and again if the occasion required it. But, all too often have our hopes and striving been met with feeble performances which have left us disappointed and unsatisfied. How often have our efforts to push our ends been met with the cry, "Down with petticoats"? Now I say, "Up with the petticoats and down with the pants!" As long as we women are split up the way we are the men will always be on top. Thank you friends. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi! I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself into your computer keyboard. Right now I am having sex with your fingers. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please allow someone else to use the keyboard, because I'm really horny and wish to reproduce! INS INS INS INS INS INS INS INS ... Howdya like the way I jab that insert key baby? I'll bet your control is ready to break. ENTER ENTER ENTER Heh, heh. Bet you let out an extended character or two when I rammed that one home. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a woman driver and a woman golfer? A: One hits everything and the other hits nothing. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- No matter how you slice it, it's still a golf ball. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear what the condemned golfer's last words to the hangman were? A: "Mind if I have a few practice swings?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Can you count," asked the golfer to the caddy asking for a job. "Yes sir," said the boy. "Can you add," asks the golfer. "Yes sir," said the boy. "Okay then, how much is 4 + 5 + 7 ?" "9 sir." "Excellent, you got the job!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy: "Why the hell didn't you watch where it went?" "Well sir," said the boy, "it don't usually go anywhere, so when you did hit the ball, it sort of caught me by surprise." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Know what a rodeo fuck is? A: You start to screw your wife doggie style, hold on to her shoulders, and whisper in her ear that her sister is a better fuck than she is, and try to hold on for 8 seconds. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes to the pet store to shop for a parrot. He sees quite an assortment for sale for $500 to $1000, but that's a bit more than he want to spend, so he's delighted to come across one in the corner for sale for $29.95. "How come that one's so cheap," he asks the clerk. "To tell you the truth, his dick is oversized and it embar- rasses the customers." The husband buys the bird anyway, and installs it on a perch right over the bed. The next day the first thing he does after coming home form work is to rush upstairs ... "Well, what happened today?" he demanded of the bird. "Well, the milkman came, and your wife told him to come into the bedroom, and they took off their clothes and got into bed." "So what happened next," screamed the husband. "I don't know," says the parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy was telling his buddy that his wife could always tell when he had been messing around just by looking at his eyes. His buddy said, "No wonder, you have a pubic hair hanging from your eyelid!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients? Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did Moses and the Jews wander in the desert for twenty-five years? A: One of them dropped a quarter. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a Mexican girl? A: The Mexican girl's jewelry is fake and her orgasms are real ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the war between the Poles and the Germans? A: The Poles threw dynamite - the Germans lit it and threw it back. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Whats black, charred, and hangs from a chandelier? A: A Polish electrician. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise toilet? A: The captain's log. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jesus and Moses went out to play golf one day. Moses tees off on the first hole, and hits a beautiful 250-yard drive right in the middle of the fairway. Jesus steps up, and hits a worm-burner about 50 yards. Moses started to laugh, but then a mouse picked up the ball and ran down the fairway. A hawk swooped down from the sky, picked up the mouse, flew over the green, and dropped the mouse. The mouse dropped the ball, and the ball rolled right in the cup. Moses turned to Jesus and says, "Are you gonna play golf or just screw around?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Some- times a lawyer will do anything to win a case." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between having sex with a six year old and having with a sixteen year old? A: You have to kill the six year old afterwards. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is AIDS a magical disease? A: It turns fruits into vegetables. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about Bill and Joe, the twin brothers? Bill was married and Joe was single. The single brother, Joe, was the proud owner of a dilapidated old row boat. It so happened that Bill's wife died on the same day that Joe's boat filled with water and sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistook him for his brother Bill. She said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, I was sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe spoke up saying, "I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing right from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of old fish and the first time I got into her she drank water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty bad hole in her front, and the hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked like everything. But what really finished her was the four guys looking for a good time. They asked me if I would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't too hot, but they could take a crack at her anyway. The result was the crazy fools tried to get into her all at once and it was too much for her and she cracked up the middle ..." Before he could finish the old lady fainted. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM: B.H. SUBJECT: Chauvinist from Hell! Well, I heard this joke from a rather drunk friend of mine. The clincher is, he told it in front of his wife. Not a pretty sight... God created the world. He was lonely, and so he created the birds, the animals, and the fishes. He was still lonely, and so he created two men. When he finished, he sat back and sighed satisfactorily. A timid angel raised his hand and said, "God, there is just one problem. You have created two men. They cannot reproduce." God thought about the problem for a moment, scratched his chin, and replied, "You're right. Give the dumb one a cunt." I just about fell over! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How much skin does it take to cover a pussy? A: (Stick out tongue) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a quarter on his head? A: A quarter-pounder! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A: A quarter-pounder with cheese. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as "doing the laundry" so their kid's wouldn't know what was up. One day the man came home from work and said to his wife, "Honey, let's do some laundry." "Not now," she said, "I've had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little t.v." "OK," he says, "I'm gonna go take a nap." Time passed and the missus decided that a little whoopee might be just the thing so she joined her hubby in the bedroom. "I've changed my mind, let's do some laundry " she said. "Sorry," said the husband, "but I just had a small load, so I did it by hand." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elvis was murdered by donuts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two dogs walking through the woods, both get caught in bear traps. One dog says, "We need to chew off a leg to get loose." The other dog says no way. First dog chews off his leg, goes in to town, gets patched up by the vet, and comes back a few days later. The other dog is still in the trap. The first dog says, ""You need to chew off your leg to get loose." The other dog says, "I already chewed off three legs and I still ain't free." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A gigolo married an ugly, not too bright woman who happened to have loads of money. One day the man went out to repair a hole in the roof of the stable. "I need a ladder," he said to his wife. "Get the ladder, get the ladder," she repeated dutifully as she trotted off. "I need a hammer and nails," he told her a bit later. "Get the hammer, get the nails, get the hammer ..." she repeated as she ran back to the toolshed. The guy soon got down to work and was hammering away when he hit himself squarely on the thumb. "Fuck!" he screamed. His wife bobbed away saying, "Get the bag, get the bag!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the worst thing about eating a hairless pussy? A: Putting the diaper back on when you're finished. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does Washington, D.C. have so many lawyers and New Jersey so many toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey got to choose first ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Whats blue and comes in brownies? A: Cub Scouts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were three dogs sitting at the pound and each had an interesting story about why they were there and what they thought would happen to them. Pit-Bull: The family next door had a nine month old baby and it was always crying - crying so much it was driving its parents crazy, driving my owner crazy, driving ME crazy - everyone! So, one day, they left the back door open and I sneaked in and bit it's arm off. I heard later that it died on the way to the hospital. "So," asked the the doberman, "what do you think will happen to you?" "I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the pit-bull. Doberman: The damned postman always sprays me with mace. It makes my eyes water like crazy, makes me sneeze and I can't sleep all afternoon. One day, another postman came to the house, but he didn't know I existed, so I chewed his leg off. Apparently he died the next day at the hospital. "So," asked the great dane, "what do you think will happen to you?" "I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the doberman. Great Dane: My master is a gorgeous 25 year old woman. One day I was lonely and was looking for her. But I couldn't find her. So, I went upstairs and I found her kneeling on the floor, washing out the bath tub. She had no clothes on and the sight made me lose control. I sneaked up behind her and ... "So," interrupted the other two, "what do you think will happen to you?" "I guess I'm here to get my nails cut," grinned the great dane ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the definition of a wife? A: An attachment you screw on the bed to clean the house. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What good are tails on an animal? A: Maybe they should be considered as neckties for their butts? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the cement truck that crashed into the prison bus? A: They ended up with a bunch of hardened criminals. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the boatload of red paint that crashed into a boat carrying blue paint? A: 13 passengers were marooned. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What looks like, smells like and tastes like banana's, but isn't banana's? A: Monkey puke. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you tell a dutchman who has his finger in a dyke? A: That he's wasting his time, there's no way he'll stop the flow. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a man named Dave, Who kept a dead whore in his cave, She was dirty and gritty, And missing one titty, But think of the money he saved! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- This fellow's wife was very flat chested. He came home from work one day and to his utter amazement, there was his wife with a pair of 44" breasts. He said, "My gosh, Martha, what happened?" She said "Honey, I was making myself look all pretty for you and I was looking in the mirror behind the door, and I said to it, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my tits size 44', and BOOM, look at the size of these suckers!" The fellow was just overwhelmed. He ran upstairs, jumped into the shower, combed his hair, stood there look- ing at himself and his little thing hanging there. He said to the mirror, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor," and BOOM! His legs blew off. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's a new sitcom directed especially at gays. It's called: "Leave It, It's Beaver" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a young Indian do if he has no date to take to the war party? A: Beat his tom-tom. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two - one to call an electrician while the other mixes martinis. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two old Jewish men were sitting on a park bench when an attractive woman jogger trotted by. "Oyvey! Would I like to screw her," said the first old man. The other looked too, and said, "Outta what?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a Pole who was stranded at sea. He saw a bottle floating and picked it up. When he opened it, a Genie popped out, "I have been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years! I will grant you three wishes for freeing me!" The Pole considered it and requested, "I would like to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw." The genie con- sidered it, and clapped his hands. "It is done," he said. The Pole said, "My second wish is to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw." The Genie looked puzzled, but clapped his hands. "It is done," he said. The Pole said, "My third wish is..." The Genie cut him off, "...to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Yes," agreed the pole. The Genie clapped his hands, and said, "It is done. I am now free to leave, but I must know before I go. Why did you want the Mongol hoards to come out of the East and sack pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Because," said the Pole, "In order for the Mongol hoards to come out of the East three times and sack pillage and destroy Warsaw, they'd have to cross Russia SIX times!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What drove Helen Keller insane? A: She tried to read a stucco wall. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you save a drowning baby? A: Take your foot off his head. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lawyer, doctor and priest were on an airplane over the ocean. The plane went down and the only survivors were those three. They started swimming towards an island when sharks appeared. SNAP!!! The doctor was eaten. SNAP!!! The priest was eaten. The lawyer made it to the island, and was later picked up and returned to port. The press asked him why the sharks ate the other two and not him. He replied, "Professional courtesy." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a minister who found that he had grown away from his congrega- tion. So, in an attempt to come closer to his parishioners, he decided to visit each of them personally. At the home of one elderly widow he was invited in, but asked to sit and wait while she finished preparing her evening meal. As he sat, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the side table and he ate a few. Time passed and he ate a few more. He went over some sermons in his mind and ate a few more peanuts. Suddenly, to his suprise, he ralized that he had eaten all of the peanuts. When the woman returned from the kitchen he began to appologize by saying that he was extremely sorry and quite embarrassed, but in his hunger he had eaten all of her peanuts. She replied by saying, "Don't worry reverend, since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck off the chocolate, anyway ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of 'gross'? A: Eating a hot dog and finding out it has veins. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does a dog lick its balls? A: Because he knows that in a minute he's going to lick your face. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day the Pope became very sick. All the cardinals are very concerned since he looked like he would not last long. They called in a number of doctors and none of them could help. Finally, they called for the best doctor in Rome, who told them, "There is only one hope for him, but you are not going to like it." The cardinals said, "Anything, tell us and we will do it!" So the Doctor explained, "The only way that he will live is if he has sex with a woman." A gasp went up from the cardinals and then a murmuring. But they agreed to tell the Pope. They explained the situation and the Pope (he was Italian) said, "Wella, thera musta be three condiziones. Firsta, she musta be blind so she canna see nothing." The cardinals nodded in agreement. "Nexta," the Pope continued, "she musta be deff so she canna hear nothing." They all agreed and said, "And what, Your Holiness, is the third condition?" "The thirda condizione," said the Pope, "isa thata she musta have biga tits." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three guys, an Italian, a Jew and a Polack, just died and were being judged as to their worthiness of entering the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said that they were all equally bad, so the ones that proved themselves in a test of faith would get in. He told each of them he will lock them up in a room for 20 years. When he came back, whatever they'd done for him is what they get judged by. So, he told the Italian, "I'm going to put you in this room with one thing of your choice, what will that be?" The Italian guy tells him, "I wanna me a woman". And so it is done. St. Peter then turned to the Jew and asked him the same thing. The jewish guy wanted a telephone. And it was done. Then St. Peter went to the Polack, who wanted a ciggarrette. And so was done. Twenty years passed, and St. Peter opens the Italian's room and there were a dozen children running around and playing games and things. And he says, "Looka, St. Pietro, I madea you a big family! Buona Sera!" St. Peter was proud of this and smiled, and the pearly gates open for the Italian. Then St. Peter went to the next door and there's the jewish guy with a load of money all piled up. "Hey Pete, babe, I got ya all this cash, and this can do some very good for the orphans down below. All the real estate and stock marketing I've done, paid off. So do I get in or what, huh?" And St. Peter said, "Well I guess I could fit you in, but I chose the Italian guy first. You've done good, enter." And the Pearly Gates opened. Then St. Peter moved down to the third room and the Polack was standing there with the cigarrette and asked him "Can I have a light?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Mary went to sleep, With one of little Mary's sheep, The sheep turned out to be a ram, Mary had a little lamb. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Chinese Population Explosion," by Wefuckem Yung ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly tossed cookies all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The owner of a travelling circus was down on his luck and close to bank- ruptcy, when he decided that the only way to increase attendance was to find a great act that couldn't be topped. Since his lion tamer had quit, he put an ad in the local paper for a replacement, requesting that all applicants come to the circus the next day to audition. The following day, two individuals showed up, a regular-looking guy, and a knockout woman with a body that wouldn't quit. "Lady's first," declared the owner, as he handed a whip, gun and chair to the beauty. He opened the cage door. As a lion entered the cage from the other side, the woman, threw the gun and whip aside, stripped off all of her clothes, sat on the chair with her legs spread and looked the lion straight in the eye. The lion, being most impressed with the sight before him, buried his head between the woman's thighs and 'went wild.' After 15 minutes, the lion backed away from her and, totally exhausted, rolled on his side and passed out. While watching this, the circus owner knew he had the money maker that he needed and was rubbing his hands together, thinking of all of the money he was going to make with his new act. Turning to the man beside him, he asked, "Well, do you think you can top that?" To which the man replied, "You bet your ass I can! Just get that fucking lion out of the cage ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between an anorexic hooker and a counterfeit bill? A: One's a phoney buck - the other is a bony fuck. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face? A: Answering the iron. Q: How did she burn the other side? A: They called back. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three friends were standing around bragging about how great their pets were. They each claimed their dog was the smartest. The Doctor turned to his dog and said, "Go, Rover." Rover proceeded to cross to an operating table and do a serious operation in spactacular fashion, including all major surgery and stitching the wound closed. Upon completion of the surgery, Rover crossed to the doctor who gave him some cookies. "Not bad," said the engineer, who turned to his dog and said, "Go, Spot!" Where upon Spot crossed over to a drafting table and, in five minutes, proceeded to knock out complete con- struction blue prints for a 150 story office complex. When he was finished, Spot crossed to the engineer, who gave him some cookies. The doctor and the engineer turned expectantly to the lawyer, who shrugged. The lawyer turned to his dog and said, "Okay Fido, they're finished." Where upon Fido pissed on the plans, screwed both Rover and Spot, and stole their cookies. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- During a picnic for upscale lawyers in Sausalito, Biff and Skippy had had an ounce or two too much and decided to walk back into San Francisco. After five minutes, each began to argue about whose dick was the longest. When they reached the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge, they watched the water flowing underneath and both were striken with a terrible urge to void their bladders. "Ah," announced Biff as he stood at the rail, "That water is COLD." "Yes," agreed Skippy, standing alongside him, "And it's deep too!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a Yankee and a Texan? A: A Yankee will walk right up to a girl and stick it in, while a Texan will stick it in and walk right up to her ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's black and white and red all over, and has trouble going through revolving doors? A: A nun with a spear through her throat. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a young lady from Heath, Who circumcised young men with her teeth, She said with a grin, "It's not for the skin," "But rather for the cheese underneath." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? A: Beef strokin'off. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did they get rid of all the dogs at the White House? A: They were chasing the Quayles and peeing on the Bushes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband's estate. Upon com- pletion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took out one of the few remaining contents - a one hundred dollar bill. After he left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to it. Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma - whether or not to tell his partner. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you recondition an aging hooker? A: Shove a ten-pound ham up her and pull out the bone. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The saintly old Bishop of Birmingham, Fucked young boys while confirming'em. With screeches and roars, He'd rip down their drawers, And whip his Episcopal worm in'em. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly woman walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhatten Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3,000,000 she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, however, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around three million, telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did busi- ness with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she answered. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this elderly woman could have come into three million dollars. "I bet," she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful - he didn't even have the traditional nooner with his secretary. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no change in his crotchal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the old lady to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He know this would be a lucky day - how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he laughed, "but I'm the same as I've always been - only $25,000 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered, "I bet him $100,000 that by 11 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you know that if every single man, woman and child in China - all one billion of them - were to hold hands together around the equator more than half of them would drown? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two lesbians were walking through a park when they saw a naked man lying in the grass. He was sporting a tremendous woodie. The first lesbian looked at the second and said, "Hey, look, if we find another one of these we can play horseshoes!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- NON-CURSE CURSE'S May you have the nicest neighbors in all Sibera. May your name be so famous that every bailiff, tax colector, cop and secret agent know it. May you grow so healthy, husky and fat, that it takes twenty years for the worms to pick you clean. May you fall in the outhouse just as a platoon of marines finishes a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer. May your possesions never tempt another to steal. If it is holy to be poor, may you be a saint among saints. Since poverty is no disgrace, may you never know shame. May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each time you awaken. May you be invited to a banquet by the President and belch in his face. May you sleep on a bed of 8,000 rusty nails while bedbugs eat you alive, so that you toss and turn all night. May your blood grow so healthy, your leecehs' leeches need leeches. May you be bled dry by leeches, but enough blood should be left over for the bedbugs, lice, and mosquitoes to have a good meal too. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do computers like humans? A: Because a human turns them on. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a young man from Rangoon, Who's farts could be heard on the moon, When you least would expect them, They'd roar from his rectum, With a sound like a double bassoon! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- On a trip to San Francisco, I dropped my wallet. Instead of picking it up, I kicked it back across the bridge ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ernest, recently married, came home from work one day and discovered his supposed friend, Frank, in bed with Ernest's wife. "What are you doing?" yelled Ernest. "Listening to the radio," said Frank. "But I don't hear any music," said Ernest. Frank's answer was prompt, "That's because you're not plugged in like I am!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What color is a bee? A: Yellow. Q: How many wings does a bird have? A: Two. Q: How many teeth does a cat have? A: I don't know. That's you're problem: You know alot about the birds and the bees, but you don't know anything about pussy ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mouse walkede into a pub, approached the bar, and sat on a stool. Looking down the bar he spotted a beautiful giraffe. "Hey bartender," the mouse said, "Send that cute giraffe at the end of the bar a drink on me". The bartender replied, "Listen buddy, every eligible man in the bar has tried to hit on that giraffe all night long. She just isn't interested. Save your money." But the mouse insisted, "Look pal, I know what I'm doing - just send the lady a drink." Not wanting to start a fight, the bartender did as he was told and, to his amazement, he noticed the mouse make eye contact with the giraffe. The mouse moved down the bar and at on a stool next to the giraffe. They began to talk, and pretty soon they left the bar together. The next day, in walked the mouse, his clothes are a mess, his tail broken - he looked just awful. The bartender exclaimed, "Jesus Christ mouse! What the hell happened to you? You look like a drowned rat!" The mouse mumbled, "Well I'll tell ya' pal, between smoochin' and fuckin' I must have run a thousand miles last night ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A homosexual walked into a bar and said to the bartender,in a rather feminine voice, "Where is everyone?" The bartender turns to the gay with a scowl and said, "Out back hanging a fag." Suddenly, in a very deep masculine voice, the gay replied, "No shit!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- While driving through a small town in Old Mexico, an American tourist blew out a tire. It was during the siesta, so when he arrived at the gas station a sign hanging in the door announced that the station was "Closed, come back soon!" The tourist looked behind the station and saw a Mexican sleeping in the shade of his burro. The sleeping Mexican being the only sign of life in the small town, the tourist walked over to him. "Pardon me!" said the tourist in typically tactful tourist fashion. Without even lifting his hat the little Mexican said, "It's siesta time senor." "What time is this siesta over?" demanded the tourist. The Mexican said, "At two o'clock, senor." Starting to turn red, the tourist stammered, "And would you know what time it is NOW?" So the Mexican lifted his hat, looked at the Burro, puts his hand under it's balls, lifted slightly, and said, "Itz 1:30 senor." "You tell the time of day by holding that ass's balls in your hand?" the amazed tourist replied. "No senor - the balls was in the way of the clock on the station's wall ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck if ... ... The primary color of your car is bondo. ... In your wedding picture you have a toothpick in your mouth. ... Your mama dont remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass! ... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off. ... You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre. ... You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment. ... Less than half the cars you own run. ... Directions to you house include "turn off the paved road". ... You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tounge gestures. ... Your family tree does not fork. ... Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. ... You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital. ... Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high-school sports event. ... You've ever BBQ'd Spam on the grill. ... The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. ... Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. ... You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the ... Bandit was snubbed for best picture. ... The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones. ... You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. ... You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. ... Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. ... You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. ... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. ... You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. ... You think Campho-phenique is a miricle drug. ... You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. ... You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. ... You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. ... You've ever been too drunk to fish. ... You have a rag for a gas cap. ... Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the smelliest thing in the world? A: An anchovy's pussy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are the two words you don't want to hear when you're standing at a public urinal? A: "Nice dick." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will blow your bonus. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the most crooked thing in the world? A: A fart - it's pointed at your feet, but hits you in the nose. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Bus Driver began his route in the usual way one morning, although the turnout was quite unique, here is his story: His bus was named the 'Sesame Street Bus' - possibly after the street he lived on or from another source somewhere in his youth. His first passengers for the day were two passen- gers named Patty and Patty; yes, they were twins, and they were quite heavy. The next stop was Mr. Bus Driver's favorite as Ross got on and said hello. Though Ross was slow, he was a nice enough fellow. A new fellow who the driver hadn't met before was introduced at the third stop (for the driver as Lester Chin. Lester had a slight foot problem and after he got on the bus, he proceded to remove his shoes and pick at the corns on his feet - which the bus driver ignored, possibly because he was pretty disgusted. It was near the end of the route, and the passengers were getting ready to disembark, when Mr. Bus Driver pulled up alongside a fellow busdriver. "What have you got today?" the other bus driver asked. Mr. Bus Driver answered, "Two obese Pattys, special Ross, and Lester Chin picking bunyons on the Sesame Street bus ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "HEL-L-LP!" the scream came from the bedroom. The man of the house ran to see what was the matter. Just as he entered his bedroom, he saw a guy leap- ing leaping out the window. His wife cried, "That guy just fucked me twice!" "Twice?" the husband wondered, "Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you the first time?" "Because," she replied "I thought it was you until he started for the second time ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The newfie went to the zoo to feed the monkies. He threw a monkey a peanut. The monkey picked up the peanut, stuck it in his ass, pulled it out, and ate it. The newfie thought this was rather unusual, so he threw the monkey another peanut. The monkey again picked up the peanut, stuck it in ass, pulled it out, and ate it. The newfie laughed as told the zookeeper, "Ooh- boy, that's one stupid monkey!" The zookeeper watched the monkey's routine and replied, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week someone threw him a big peach and he ate it whole. He couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures everything first!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tarzan was swinging through the jungle. He swooped down into a clearing and where a beautiful girl was standing. "Me Tarzan! Who you?" he grunted. "Jane," the beautiful girl cooed. "What whole name?" Tarzan demanded. Embarasssed, she replied, "Cunt." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father, Dirty Ernie senior, met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?" "Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun." "A nun?" his father questioned. "That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!" Dirty Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?" Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!" "Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stopping at the first house on his famous ride, Paul Revere cried, "Is your husband home?" "Yes!" replied the woman. "Then tell him to get dressed so he can fight the British!" At the second, third and fourth houses he asked the same question, and got the same answer, and left the same instructions. At the fifth house he shouted, "Is your husband home?" "No!" came the reply, "He'll be gone all week." "Whoa-a-a!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the aggie that was fired from the M&M factory? He kept throwing out the W's ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little girl comes walking out of the bathroom and saw her mother making a cake. She said, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?" Her mother replied, "Can't you just flush it like everyone else?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.